


On Air

by Atta_Girl



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-05-16
Packaged: 2018-01-25 09:22:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1643648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atta_Girl/pseuds/Atta_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carlos (the scientist) listens in on his Neat Boyfriends radio show while he does IMPORTANT SCIENCE in his lab by Big Rico's Pizza. The local chapter of the Boy Scouts of America run into trouble while volunteering down at the Night Vale Senior Center.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On Air

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Night Vale is a creation of Joseph Fink and I am just borrowing.
> 
> This has not been edited by anyone else, so please if you note an error let me know!

“Do not check under the bed. Do not check in the closet. The monsters hiding there do not **want** to be disturbed. _Welcome to Night Vale_.”

 

A familiar tune washes over listeners throughout town. One listener, who had only flicked on his radio moments before (at the prompting of a text message) took the moment to stretch languidly, popping is back and stretching muscles. This listener shoots his desk a glare, knowing he should return to it and the IMPORTANT SCIENCE sitting atop it. He opts for a cup of coffee instead.

 

The coffee mug is white with a stick figure holding two vials, it reads “Stand back, I’m going to attempt SCIENCE!” Cecil (you know the radio show host) got it for him on his birthday two months prior.

 

“Big news folks, the local Boy Scouts are doing volunteer work down at the Night Vale Senior Center today. Their work will include the slaying of rogue bedpans, hosing down the deranged, and reading to the staff with books gathered during last weeks outing to the library.”

 

In a lab by Big Rico’s Pizza one scientist, who was currently neglecting his IMPORTANT SCIENCE in favor of a cup of coffee (black with two sugars), quirked an eyebrow and reminded himself to ask his Neat Boyfriend (you know the radio show host) all about the Night Vale Senior Center over dinner that night.

 

There were many things in Night Vale that caused the scientist, with his cup of coffee (black with two sugars), to quirk an eye brow. Once, a few years back many everyday Night Vale things caused HEART POUNDING TERROR, gut wrenching panic and a generalized questioning of the existence of the laws of physics and science. Sometimes he still feels HEART POUNDING TERROR and gut wrenching panic in the face of some things that happen in Night Vale. However, he no longer questions the laws of physics and science in Night Vale; he knows they simply do not exist in the manner in which he knew them.

 

“You know what listeners? I am just **so** glad that we have wonderful organizations like the Boy Scouts here in Night Vale. Why when I was a child in the program I learned so much. How to properly assemble and dissemble fire arms, blindfolded of course. Proper siege techniques, was a fun lesson. Why we even learned how to make and handle plastic explosives. In fact, I still have the first brick of C4 I ever made stashed away alongside my old Boy Scouts uniform. Ah memories.”

 

Stirring his coffee (black with two sugars) the scientist wonders at the safety of having an aging block C4 (made by a youthful Boy Scout) tucked away in the house. He is a scientist, he is not an explosives expert and such does not know the relative safety of such things.

Giving a little, “Hmm.” He tucks himself into his desk, brushing aside his IMPORTANT SCIENCE in favor of a little research on C4.

 

“Station Management seems to be having a bit of a fuss so let us move on. You are standing on a precipice over looking the ocean. You do not know how you know it is an ocean, as you have never before seen an ocean. You do not know what an ocean is; you have seen no pictures of the ocean. You have not ever even heard the word ocean before. The sun is slowly sinking into the ocean, its great warming heat being put out, you think perhaps, forever. This has been traffic.” 

 

As it turns out manufactured C4 is highly stable.

 

What Cecil (you know the radio show host) kept somewhere in the house was probably less stable, as it had been made by a youthful Boy Scout. Of course it hadn’t exploded thus far.

 

“I just got word from our Station Intern Nicky down at the Night Vale Senior Center that two of the Boy Scouts have already set to work mucking up a dangerous chemical spill in the south hall while another group pushed further into the bowls of the building after a rabid band of elderly patients that broke away during their hosing. Word has it that the deranged have sequestered themselves in the dayroom and set up a defensive perimeter using BINGO CARDS as throwing stars. I am told that they are quiet sharp. To the family of Nicky the Intern we thank you for her service and assure you that she died valiantly reporting to her last breath.”

 

 _And another bites the dust_. The scientist, whose coffee (black with two sugars) is now gone, can’t help the sarcastic little thought as it drifts through his mind, the Night Vale Community Radio Station Interns just die so often he’s learned not to get attached. He does feel guilty about this. He stoops his head, shakes it glumly, sighs, and then turns his attention to the IMPORTANT SCIENCE he is supposed to be working on.

 

He is currently researching a sample of a new element discovered on the clothing of one Intern Dana. The one Night Vale Community Radio Station Intern he’s known in his time in Night Vale who hasn’t died. She did for a time get trapped in the Dog Park, which is not to be acknowledged. When she escaped she spent a spell in the house that does not exist, located in the housing development of Desert Creek out back of the Night Vale Elementary School, like it's just right there when you look at it, and it's between two other identical houses, so it would make more sense for it to be there than not, but it defiantly does not exist. Then she trekked across a desert with an army trying to avoid a mountain because she doesn’t believe in mountains.

 

Being a scientist he often wonders how someone could not believe in mountains, then again maybe it has more to do with growing up outside of Night Vale and less to do with the actual scientific proof he has that mountains exist.

 

“And now a word from our sponsor: Having a bad day? Of course you are. We are all dying slowly. Having a good day? Stop lying to yourself; it’s okay to admit that you are terrified of the massive void hovering above us that we do not understand. You are having a horrible day, a really horrible day. That’s okay because we are here for you.

Wal-Mart, everyday low prices.”

 

He blinks into the microscope for a moment before leaning back a few inches to shoot a questioning glance at the radio. _Wal-Mart_ , there is no Wal-Mart in Night Vale. There is a Target and it is a great place to shop, although not on Tuesday’s, _never on Tuesday’s_. He wonders if Cecil has ever even been in a Wal-Mart to know what one is.

 

“So Old Women Josie called in during the break to let us know that the angels, who absolutely do not exist and whose hierarchy we know nothing about, told her that a new pet shop is opening up in town. They don’t know where, or when, simply that it WILL, sometime. I must say I’m glad to hear it folks, Khoshekh really is picky about his food, and they just don’t have anything that caters to his specific needs as a floating cat at the local supermarkets. More on this story as it develops, soon I hope.”

 

The scientist would like to note that Khoshekh isn’t picky about his food, not at all, Cecil (you know the radio show host), is picky about what Khoshekh eats. “Only the best for my little buddy!” He thinks that if the little guy had his choice he’d just gorge himself on anything and well, everything.

 

“And now let’s go to the [Weather](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0cxrA3dTv4&feature=kp&noredirect=1).”

 

Once, the scientist in his white lab coat had tried to explain to his Neat Boyfriend (you know the radio show host) that outside of Night Vale the Weather report actually talked about the local weather. Amazed by this the radio host decided to change up the next broadcast and report on the actual weather. Station Management had NOT LIKED THAT.

 

The host had cowered under his desk for a second time as Station Management emerged from their office and tore apart the whole station in a fit of rage. It really was quite a mess. Poor Intern David had been drug into the office and had yet to emerge. Sometimes his voice could still be heard through the door, a faint tear filled plea.

 

The scientist turns his attention back to his IMPORTANT SCIENCE, researching Danaium (the new element brought back on Dana’s clothing from places unknowable). Its composition is like nothing he has ever seen before; it is like nothing he has ever seen before, nothing at all. The sample of metal appears to be organic; it appears to be a seed. It grows and photosynthesizes in moonlight. Dana thinks it will probably grow into a tree with metal leaves, if allowed to.

 

He is a scientist, not a botanist; however he thinks perhaps he will expand his horizons and study this phenomenon as it develops.

 

“Exciting news from down at the Night Vale Senior Center, the Boy Scouts have been pinned down in a storage closet in the east wing by the raving group of escaped elderly patients who have managed to tame the wild bedpans. They have radioed in for reinforcements; the Girl Scouts are on their way boys. **They are on their way**.”

 

This wasn’t the first time the Scouts had worked together, just last year they had banned together to drive out Strexcorp®. There had been conflict, SO very much conflict.

 

“And now a look at the Community Calendar:

 

Monday will be the annual spelling bee at the Night Vale Elementary School. Betting is encouraged and students are required to bring their own homemade weapons. All store bought weapons are prohibited. Attempting to use a store bought weapon will result in a fine of five years. Of what, it doesn’t say.

 

Tuesday is double priced dinning down at Big Rico’s Pizza. Stop in for your usual order and pay double the price. Can’t beat a deal like that.

 

Wednesday the local animal shelter will be holding mandatory pet adoptions. So come on down and pick out a furry friend. Or a scaly one if that’s your thing.

 

Thursday nothing is happening. Thursday will be boring and ordinary, so very ordinary that you won’t even remember it. Perhaps, because a Vague-Yet-Menacing-Government-Agency will have wiped the events of Thursday from your mind.

 

Friday is the monthly Secret Police bowling tournament at the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex. The tournament starts at six. Stop on by to show your support for our local police force and so they can watch you while they bowl. Really come down, they’d appreciate it.

 

Saturday is Harvest Day! All residents are required to come down to John Peter’s, you know the farmer, and help bring in this years harvest of imaginary corn. Afterwards there will be a dinner and a screening of the 1984 production of ‘The Children of the Corn.’

 

Sunday my sweet lovely Carlos and I will be having a picnic in Mission Grove Park and then visiting the Night Vale Zoo.”

 

The scientist, _Carlos_ , smiles at the voice on the radio. Really he should be used to the flattery and attention by now, but he never had gotten used to his Neat Boyfriends tendency to talk about him on air.  

 

“Oh I’m just so excited, Sunday is just going to be the best day ever. I mean everyday I spend with my wonderful, brilliant Carlos is the best day ever. This day is going to be lovely I just know it. Actually, if any of you know any good picnic foods drop me a line.”

 

Oh dear.

 

“Word from the Night Vale Senior Center has it that deranged elderly patients that escaped during their hosing, sequestered themselves in the dayroom, used BINGO CARDS as throwing stars, tamed wild bedpans and pinned the Boy Scouts into the storage closet in the east wing have been subdued. The local Girl Scouts arrived just in time and using a combination cookie bombs, friendship lassos and cunning brilliance managed to wrangle the patients back into their rooms. The Scouts have now banned together to tuck the staff safely into bed and read them into a peaceful slumber.  

 

Carlos thinks he defiantly needs to ask Cecil (you know his Neat Boyfriend and the local radio host) about the Night Vale Senior Center.

 

“What a day. It seems that our children are growing up. Little by little the next generation is blossoming. All too soon we, this generation of us, will be old with withered skin and varicose veins pumping rancid blood. We will lose our function in the world, our use, OUR MINDS. This young generation of now will rise to take our place in tomorrow and all will be well. All will be as it should be. For they have shown us today that we have taught them well, so well. So look to the future knowing that it will be in better hands, more capable hands. Good night, Night Vale, good night.”

Cecil's phone lights up on the desk, "Good show love."


End file.
